'Let Them', 'Let Me'- How to stress less and feel more in control.

As a Counsellor and Cranio-Sacral therapist, I often help patients work through stress responses, both physically and mentally.

Recently I've come across a great theory that I feel could be utilised by many of my patients, as well as myself: The 'Let Them' Theory by Mel Robbins.

Mel Robbins is a well-known motivational speaker, podcaster, and author, recognised for her work on personal development and productivity. The main principles of The Let Them Theory revolve around recognising what is out of our control—Let Them—and paying more attention to how we respond—Let Me.

This is just a snapshot of the theory, I highly recommend that you take a read or listen.

Let Them:

-Use double negatives. “They haven’t got no milk.”

-Tell you their whole story including the “he said, then she said and he said.”

-Cut you in front of you when driving.

-Owner of the shop completely ignore you.

-The ladies who always barges into yoga class as soon as the previous teacher turns off the music to get ‘their’ spot. (It isn’t anyone who reads this.)

-Talk with their phone on speaker

In any situation where you feel a reaction, when your attention is drawn to something, you feel a tightening in your jaw, a clenching of your fist, your heartbeat starting to increase, say 'Let Them'.  This is like a safe word. It’s a moment of pause, a moment where something is challenging my safety, a moment where I need to check my thoughts. It’s a statement of 'I am in control and I and ready to make choices.'

You can't control or change other people's opinions, actions, or beliefs. Mel says;

“The more you try to manage or alter how others behave, the more stress and frustration you'll feel.”  

If we take a step back from any situation, we have to remember that everyone is trying to stay in control of their lives. Everyone is doing this in the best way they know how, with the skills and knowledge they have. More often than not, the situations which unfold in front of us have nothing to do with us and more to do with what other person is experiencing, their priorities and their skills of expression. When we feel like we’re losing control, we can spiral, leading to stress, anxiety and frustration.

Robbins explains that 'The Let Them Theory' sounds defeatist, like you’re allowing people to walk over you, when in fact you are building resilience, awareness and finding separation. You’re rejecting the power, energy and rumination, that would come if you absorbed the experience and held onto the negative energy. Robbins says that it brings her a sense of power.

There is a man I encounter weekly with a very condescending tone to his words and how he expresses them. He’ll act surprised that things are going well for me, that I can afford a home, he’ll ask me questions as if he thinks I won’t know the answer, and he’ll always tell me about this most amazing yoga teacher that once taught him. The Let Them Theory is new, but I used my knowledge to identify his behaviours and to find separation. I would sit there and listen, but in my head saying “I know what game you’re playing, but carry on.” It definitely bought a sense of control and stability. I was not going to be knocked by his words. Now I say “Let Them.”

Once we Let Them, we have to Let Me. Have a moment of pause and reminder that we have control. We can control what we do next; what we do and don’t do, and how we choose to process our emotions. When we are unaware, we embody the negative energy of past events, which accumulate in our systems draining our energy and making us more vulnerable, exposed and reactive to the smallest of challenges. Let Me is about taking control, being present in the moment, and reading the situation for what it is.

Let Me:

-Acknowledge how I feel in this moment

-Ask if this response relative to the situation

-See how much time and energy this moment deserves

-Consider all of my options. There are many other things that I could do in this moment and I have the choice to do it.

-Change the script of this story

-Establish my boundaries

It is often ok to keep the Let Them and Let Me separate. Like when the person doesn’t hold the door open for you. You Let Them, you check in to yourself, and release that thought and energy and carry on. But, with friends, family and regular encounters you may want to sit down and calmly express your thoughts and feelings.

When you do this…..it makes me feel as if………

We can’t change them, but we can Let Them have the information they need to meet our needs and desires. Oftentimes we say “If that was me I would….” Or “I would do it like this.”  People are not mind readers, and not everyone will have the same thinking as you.

 If they continually fail to meet them, we have to decide if it’s something we can live with. Is it a battle worth fighting? Or we need to consider if this is the right person for us.

Some super interesting moments Robbins mentioned are that when we Let Them, we see the truest and most authentic person, we get to see how they are going to treat us, how much they genuinely care, how much they pay attention. Let Them can also be a very positive experience. Let Them try and problem solve, Let Them have time to communicate their thoughts, Let Them try this new hobby. Let Them can show your trust, faith, belief, and your hope that someone is capable of achieving something.

Let Me

Let Me surround myself with people who are aligned to my values. I am selective in the places I go and in the interactions I have with the people around me. I am aware of the people who challenge my emotional balance, and I consciously minimise my exposure to those people. It’s not always easy to avoid them so you have to Let Them, and focus on my feel-good community.

Let Me step back. We mirror and absorb the energy of the world around us. The more exposed we are to the events of the news, politics, social media, gossip, people complaining the more those moments become part of our lives. Our bodies feel them, and it starts to believe they are part of our story and experience. There are often things we can’t control or things that have absolutely nothing to do with us.

Let Me pick my battles. We are constantly bombarded with information about things that we should and shouldn’t be doing. Don’t drink tap water because of chemicals and micro plastics, but don’t drink bottled water because of microplastic rubbing off from the bottle. You repeatedly have the same argument, and nothing is changing. Make conscious choices about where your time and effort goes. Commit to things that are manageable, and don’t feel guilty about not being able to do everything to save humanity.

Let Me establish boundaries. When we set boundaries, we establish what we’re willing to accept and what we’re not. It’s about knowing how we think and function. What are our rules, values and expectations. Boundaries are not a way of dictating how other people act or behave. We always need to be willing to compromise and regularly reassess. Boundaries are like protective mechanisms, sometimes we hang onto them when they are no longer serving a purpose.

For the rest of the day, see how many times you use 'Let Them', and 'Let Me'. You’ll be surprised how much you have to use it, how much time and energy you’ll save not worrying and ruminating. You’re reflect on past experiences and you’ll be able to make sense of what happened and see it in a new light.  As always, this is a practice. This is another great tool. Try and let me know how you get on.

Kiran Chudasama